Mechanical Orange

The "T-V" distinction... not in English!

2010-07-21T16:33:00.001-07:00

Many languages have this thing called a “T-V Distinction.” If you’re American you probably just thought: “Yeah I know what that is, Flat screen, plasma, the outdated tube, portable… I got this like a motherfucker, ‘cuz I am ‘Merican!”

Um… if that’s what you thought, then you’re wrong.

The T-V distinction refers to the Latin pronouns Tu and Vos. “Tu” is the Latin “you” and “vos” is the plural. Sometime in the 4th century "vos" started to be used when addressing the Emperor, some say that it was out of respect - plurality is also an old symbol for power - but this could also be due to the fact that there were two emperors at the time, one in Rome and the other in Constantinople. However, many other European languages took on this T-V element and the “V” began to be a respectful form of address as well as the general plural. In French, for instance, “vous” is the formal form of address: "Avez-vous un cigaratte?" While “tu” is the casual: "Casse-toi, je fume pas!" “Toi” is an inflection on “tu.” Other languages have this form too, for example Russian and most Slavic languages have a “ty” and a “vy” with the only exception being Polish that has “ty” and “wy” but they are both casual and formality is a whole different ballgame there.

Anyway, the fact is that English does not have a T-V distinction. No matter who you talk to, you always use you! I am doing it right now by talking to you. Weird, huh? You could be the President or my close friend, I’d still address you as “you.” However, English is not totally devoid of formalities and there are respectful terms, but these come in how the person is addressed. Let’s take a look:

You get up one morning after a party hungover, thirsty and needing to take a giant piss. On your way to the bathroom you notice one of your friends who passed out on the couch sometime around 3am and didn’t make it back home… no big deal, a friend letting his friend crash on the couch for the night, all is good. As long as there is no puke. You do your long and very relieving number one, swing by the kitchen to grab some water and head to the couch to sit… but your friend is sprawled out across it… so you say:

“Hey dipshit, move your ass, you’re taking up the whole damn couch.” While giving him a full palm nudge.

Notice that you addressed your friend with “you” and “dipshit.” The former being the only applicable English pronoun in that case; the latter a satirically disparaging address common among males who are friends. Especially when feeling grouchy, which being hungover greatly helps with.

Now for our opposite example:

You get up one morning after a party hungover, thirsty and needing to take a giant piss. On your way to the bathroom you notice the President who passed out on the couch at around 3am and didn’t make it back to the White House… no big deal, a good citizen letting the President crash on the couch for the night, all is good. As long as there is no puke. You do your long and very relieving number one, swing by the kitchen to grab some water and head to the couch to sit… but Secret Service has to clear you first.

“Sir, please hold your hands out.” You do so and the agent gives you a pat down. Then speaks into that little radio by his wrist, “Subject’s clear.” All the other agents confirm through their radios. You approach the couch with the President sprawled out across it… and then you say:

“Excuse me, Mr. President, could you please move over a little, I’d like to sit down here.” While giving him a little two finger nudge as the watchful Secret Service monitors the situation.

Notice that you addressed the President with same pronoun as you did your friend, you. It is the only one available in English. If this was in France, you would have most definitely used “vous” when speaking to the President. The formal was only conveyed in the form of address, “Mr. President.” The casual “dipshit” would have been have been uncalled for in this formal situation.

Anyway, that about wraps this up. I hope you, dear reader, have a good day.

Free Game Hockey

2010-06-10T09:16:00.000-07:00

The Inspector got a strange call today. His work usually has him working in some of the city’s more crowded neighborhoods, but today, this veteran of the NYPD was called all the way out to Bennett Field in the south of the city. It was an airfield for light aircraft and one of the hangers had been converted into a sports center with hockey rinks, basketball courts and all sorts of family and social activities. Every summer an amusement park set up there too, and with the marina nearby, this seemingly sparse part of the city greatly livened up during the warmer months of the year.

“Never thought that work would take me here,” said the Inspector as he pulled his car into the parking lot where there were some police cruisers parked. One of the officers there told him that the situation was too odd to describe and the Inspector should just go inside to the main rink and see what is going on.

“Nothing to be alarmed about, Sir, it’s just weird… really weird,” said the young cop. The Inspector, confused and curious, proceeded inside.

The sudden dose of cool air upon entering the hockey arena went totally unnoticed by the normally sharp witted Inspector as his eyes fell upon the oddest thing he has ever seen in his long career of investigation. Standing next to a confused Referee in the announcers’ booth he looked on at the scene on ice.

There was a man inside one of the nets hoarding what must be at least one hundred pucks. The net is being guarded by armed men all wearing identical uniforms, as the logo indicated, who tensely patrolled around the goal. The score indicator read that there were three teams playing in a 2 vs. 1 configuration and it was the team playing solo that was winning. And they weren’t just winning, they were WINNING, as in they had a hundreds of points lead that was getting larger by the second, the score counter was obviously modified to fit these abnormally large hockey scores, but it still managed to recycle just then as the Inspector looked at it with a confusion he had never expected.
Other than the man in the net and the armed patrols there were no other people on the ice… yet this was a game in progress? Yes, for all the other players from the two opposing teams that were playing in conjunction with each other had all received penalties and were all stuffed into one penalty box.

“For how long?” the Inspector asked the Ref.
“Indefinitely,” was the immediate response.

The Inspector looked at the bleachers and saw them full of fans who were trying to enjoy a good game but seemed wholly disappointed with what was going on. The best seats in the house were filled with men and women in fancy suits drinking champagne and smoking pricey cigars. They were the only ones cheering and slapping each high fives as their team was winning a dramatic and epic victory over their opponents.
The Ref explained that these were lobbyists who were hired by the man in the net to clean up the rules of hockey and give the game a sense of freedom without the intervention of an onerous authority. The Ref then demonstrated that when he stepped out on to the ice and proceeded to make a call to end the game, the lobbyists, the man in the net and the armed guard started to yell.

“COMMUNIST! NAZI! DICTATOR! TYRANT!”

Cries of an angry passion that accused the Ref of wanting to take away one free man’s God-given liberty to enjoy a game of hockey. The man in the net didn’t seem to be the type to enjoy sports, he was flabby and horribly out of shape, in fact, at that moment one of the security men gave him chili dog from the concession stand as the score counter clicked up an up.

“I am normally calm and professional on the job, it’s the only way to get by, but I must ask: What the FUCK is going on here? This isn’t even hockey. And that guy up there in the grey Armani, isn’t that…?”
The Ref nodded.
“Unbelievable, that man was a legend of this sport and now he helped turn it into this?”
“Do you know how much money he is making now?”
The answer was obvious and undeterminable at the same time.

The Inspector really didn’t know what to make of all this… was this a job for him? Or for the Ref? Or did the Ref need help doing his job? It seemed like the latter. But either way, this was going to be about as tough as nailing Capone.

Flag Fetish

2010-06-01T13:58:00.001-07:00

The Winter/Spring Interval 2010. I was going upstate with my dad for our final day of skiing in this season. We had gone 3 weeks before but due to deplorable weather conditions got vouchers for our tickets to use some other day, this was the day. From the looks of it, the next possible ski day was going to be at least 9 months from now; clear sky, bright sun, and a flag, our national flag, waving in the air. It was a pretty weird place for a flag, next to roadside gas station along route 17 in New Jersey. However, there was something weirder coming up.
It was another flag. A HUGE one mounted on a much larger pole; the first one was giving off a slight wave in the lazy wind, but this giant one was barely managing to budge… just an occasional flick of the tip like the tail of an idling cat. It wasn’t much further down the road, we were just passing the big flag, when another popped into view. Then another. And another. Smaller flags, but still posted to be plainly visible from the road. I had been down this road many times, but it only hit me now as odd.
There was no discernable arrangement or pattern where they were placed, just that each one was next to a business; bigger, richer looking buildings tended to display bigger flags. At one point there were at least 3 visible flags at one time, each in front of a different building along the road. Then right before we merged onto the NY Thruway there was a gas station, that bore the pinnacle of these flag displays, it had what must have been 10 to 12 smaller sized flags posted on the rim of its square roof above the pumps; like castle turrets watching every direction. The gas station belonged to the company Gulf… and that’s just what we want right? A bunch of our national symbols display high and proud over The Gulf.

The next sight along this road was largely flagless as I saw it from a distance, but it was too a thematic culmination of sorts; it was a large corporate center. On the outskirts of this small town with mainly low buildings and local businesses - car dealers are local businesses with licenses from large corporations - stands this giant phallic behemoth topped with a pyramid shape; a fat, glass, Obelisk of Luxor with a monstrous parking lot sprawled around it like a moat. This giant serves as a location for corporate events and meetings with plenty of luxurious room for out of town guests, who are from the looks of it all, the only people who come to this place. When pulling out on to the highway, this massive structure is backed by hills and greenery giving it a castle feel.
Yet it flies no national colors… surely if a small local business can afford to display our colors, what about this corporate palace? Or maybe their allegiance lies elsewhere. Who knows? I didn’t go inside, not that security would be likely to permit me.
Next on the highway, as the countryside took over all I saw was greenery and rocks from the occasional time the road was cut through an outcropping; the flags were gone. Though the highway rest stop had one, but it was hardly proportionate to what I had seen before we left the metropolitan region; there were several businesses there, a McDonald’s, Starbucks and a gas station along with a diner, but only one flag to top it all off.

I find your lack of patriotism disturbing.

Back out on the highway after a coffee and pastry it was back to no flags. Traveling through the great American heartland with small towns, forests, hills and… no flags. I always thought the people in the countryside were always more adamant about professing their patriotism. Maybe I still have a thing or two to learn.
Later we got off the highway and started the long windy road up to the mountains and going through may small towns I did, in fact, see flags on several key buildings; municipal buildings like the post office and town hall, but these small business owners in this swath of heartland were obviously not very patriotic. However, in passing by a large art-deco school building that had the biggest flag since the gas station, I thought to myself, maybe they just invested in that one. One for the kids. After all it is they who are the future.

Soon after we were on the little road that leads up to the ski area parking lot and there was an American flag, right by the turnoff, welcoming skiers to what is undoubtedly the biggest business in the area. There were also many other national flags standing in line after the American… and that’s just what we want right? To be the quarterback in the team of the free world.

The lodge, like most ski lodges, had to main entrances; one from the parking lot and the other from the slopes. It was by that entrance from the slopes, that led to an outside seating area and was passed after leaving the locker room geared up and ready to ski, that I saw yet another flag. This one looked tall and proud, unlike the previous ones, maybe because it wasn’t on some parking lot or anything, but in a communal place; people didn’t pass it, they flocked around it eating the overpriced ski lodge food.
The main lifts started right by this large open area and I saw that flag every time I skied down to the lift line. However, it was during lunch that the oddest observation happened. After getting some of that overpriced lodge food I was looking for a place to sit and my dad found a free table on the little raised area, far from a complete second floor, it felt more like an indoor balcony as if in the theatre. Along the edges of this raised up platform were about 15 smaller sized flags posted like castle turrets. It is proper custom that a national flag is the highest placed object in its immediate area, like the front lawn of a building, but these seemed almost forcibly squeezed in to this spot. Some of them could barely be seen from anywhere else in the cafeteria. They hung in the relatively still inside air and in sitting down next the balustrade I saw that angled poles had gathered dust.

Is this what we want?

Nero-Conservatism

2010-05-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in the Roman Empire...

Emperor Nero awoke to news that annoyed him greatly. The Christians were gaining lots of followers into their new cult and it seemed pretty sure that the cult of the pagan gods and also of the Emperor might be threatened with some serious membership decline. The Christians, who claimed to be "true conservatives" layed out a bullet-point plan - or was it an outline? - of the values and laws they wish to bring to the Emperor's attention.

The list, freshly enscribed onto papyrus, read:
* Classroom prayer
* Prohibition of abortion
* Abstinence education
* Traditional marriage, not same-sex marriage
* Respect for differences between men and women, boys and girls
* Laws against pornography
* The Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms
* Economic allocative efficiency (as opposed to popular equity)
* The death penalty
* Parental control of education
* Private medical care and retirement plans
* Canceling failed social support programs
* No world government
* Enforcement of current laws regarding immigration
* Respect for our military ... past and present
* Rejection of junk science such as evolution and global warming
* Low taxes, especially for families
* Conferderationism (less power for the federal government and more for local and state governments)
* A strong national defense

The Emperor was in thought; he was looking up and down the list trying to make something of it, his eyes were focused but the rest of his face was blank - he was in deep thought. This went on for several minutes as he sat in his large royal chair in an impeccably decorated hall of the palace. The christian who brought the list stood nervously as he was flanked by to large praetorian guard. Even the Emperor's message-man was nervous; he usually read aloud to the Emperor any message that his Highness received, but just a few minutes ago when this christian arrived with this message, the message-man did his job and stood in his official spot near the Emperor's chair (one of many) and was about to pronounce the first syllable but then...

"Gimme that!" said the Emperor with a swoop of his arm. Then he sat down as silence blanketed the palace... the Emperor was thinking; and out of all the times that one does not interrupt the Emperor, it is when his Highness is thinking. Though it is not always easy to tell that this is going on.

Silence.
One of the praetorian guard adjusted his stance slightly and the clink of armor was heard throughtout the chamber. The Emperor raised one of his eye brows slightly before going back to the list. There was now a faint humming, or mumbling, the Emperor started to read slightly aloud and moving his head subtly from side to side before stating,

"Are you fuckin' serious?" No one dared utter anything as no one knew at whom the question was directed at.

"I said, are you fuckin' serious? 'Cuz oh my fuckin' gods I hope this is just some nutty new age joke that you hippies are into. I normally don't like that shit, but today I feel like I could use a joke."

The christian was nervous. One of the praetorian guard nudged him with his elbow.

"When Caesar asks you, you answer." The christian tried to formulate an answer through some nervous twitches.

"Uh...ye... your Highness, yes I... we are serious with that list. All the good christians in this city and in this empire wish to see that Caesar ensures that those points go into effect."

The Emperor just raised his eyebrow again; for longer this time. Then gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Ok, ok... before I implement this list into law, let's review it shall we? Roman Law is all about being reasonable, after all.

Numeral I, classroom prayer... ok just why the Hades would you want to do that? Kids go to school to learn so then I'll have a bunch of smart people in my great empire. They go to the many temples around town to pray. Simple. I don't even see why this is on the list, let alone numeral I.

Point numeral II, prohibition of abortion. Are you saying that after something is conceived there should be no way to abort the process? What if it is determined to be harmful? Or what if it was a mistake? Or the result of coercion? Or, worse yet all three? We're all about being reasonable in Rome, and we strive to have things proceed logically, but sometimes, it is often hard and in no way a point of pride, we must go back to square one.
Numeral III, absinence education, this was one the more eyebrow raising moments that even the naivete that I am sure you possess cannot be to blame for, but rather some delusion. How am I to have an empire with no one having sex? Do you have any way to tell me that could help me keep healthy and prosperous population figures while people are taught at a young age to abstain from the one thing that gives the empire citizens? Liberal lunacy, I tell you. Pure lunacy.
Numeral IV, traditional marriage, not same sex marriage... More lunacy. Those men aren't getting married, they're just enjoying each others company... for sometimes long periods... of time. Men sometime need a break from women, trust me, if you weren't so 'abstinent' you'd know."

The christian blushed.

"I once toured a military encampment in Gaul and after a long day in the hot sun of fighting off barbaric hordes, those men form a bond and after they just show each other how much they appreciate that bond. You know?"

One of the praetorian guard blushed.

"Moving right along, numeral V, respect for the differences between men and women, boys and girls... Ok, now seriously what the fuck?! Do you know how much I respect my mistresses breasts? I buy her special Arabian perfume, two bottles, one for each breast, so she can be happy... if that ain't respect then I don't know what is.
Numeral VI, laws against pornography, here we go with more of the abstinence shit. I mean, have you people ever enjoyed the pleasures of sex and erotica? You seem to hate it, which makes you seem unhuman.
Moving right along, Numeral VII, The Second Amendment, the right to keep and bear arms... Ok, so you want to be able to own a spear or a sword, fine by me. But how about about I arrest you on suspicion of conspiracy, don't give you any trial, torture you, coerce you to testify against yourself, slap you with the same charge IV times, and turn your house into a military barracks while I feed you and your new age loonies to the lions, just because I find this list crazy? I mean, you don't seem to care all that much about all the other Amendments, I mean are you even aware that there were X originally written and since then XVII have been added? Doesn't seem so, but ok, point granted. Praetorian, after this meeting is over, take this man to the armory and let him take a weapon of his choosing. A gift from Casesar.
Next, numeral VIII allocative efficiency but not popular equity... And just what have we been doing all along? We provide our citizens with basic goods and services that every citizen of such a great empire should have, it is called 'level of civilization.' And with these citizen's rights and priveliges they are free to forge their own path through society as long as they are not an unfair detriment to others, like scamming a profit out of others' suffering... now it seems you are bent on achieving that by outlawing sex and calling it virtue!
New age loons, I tell you, that is just what these christians are. But, let's not start a pissing contest... Moving right along... numeral IX, the death penalty. WOW! We finally agree on something! Praetorian, feed him to the lions!"

The christian's knees almost gave way in terror as the guards reached for his arms to drag him away.

"JUST KIDDING! Sheesh, take a joke, will you? But, you're right about this, some people do deserve this form of punishment.
Now, numeral X, parental control of education. Now we're running into problems again, how can I have parents teaching their kids, if I know that some parents, like you, will teach them anti-Roman liberal propaganda? Will that be good for the unity of our empire? I will not let some new age, hippy, blue-collar, carpenter's son and his cult falter the fortitude of Rome! Slowly but surely under the veil of freedom and justice that is what you'd do. Try and take this empire away from its founders, Romulus and Remus, away from its pagan tradition and this my empire cannot have."

Silence.

The Emperor took a few deep breaths while eyeing the christian head-on, who looked back keeping his eyes on the Emperor's chest.

"Numeral XI," continued the Emperor, "private medical care and retirement plans. Once again, you seem to be out of touch, unless a man has given his life over to service in the Legions, then it is up to him and his closest kin to deal with his money matters, while working and after. Legionnaires who hadn't had time to work their family's land or business are thus compensated, during service and immediately after.
Numeral XII, cancelling failed social support programs. I thought you were against aborting anything? Oh, this is 'cancelling' I see... I wonder why you, who claim to be so enlightened, see things as such black and white. I have yet to see the word 'reform' in here. Or 're-structure' or anything of the like. You just want your faith, no sex and that's it, right?"

The Emperor gave out a sigh before continuing.

"Numeral XIII, no world government. Is this more about the fact that you want to be locked in your own little bubble of bliss? Don't you want to see Rome strong and mighty and our virtue spread even beyond the seemingly unpassable waters, mountians and sands? Sure you do, but you'd rather have someone else carry out your dream for you, which is why it won't ever get done, because the folly of your so-called knowledge won't latch on to the citizens of Rome.
Numeral XIV, enforcement of current laws regarding immigration. So you're for allocative efficiency, but just with money, more important your own money... but logically allocating anything else is no one's business? Meaning laws and policies should not be allocated, changed, altered or adjusted in anyway despite an ever changing world, because in your mind that is somehow unpatriotic? Silly. Very very silly."

The room felt the Emperor's switch in tone by now. He seemed through with joking around. Everyone stood firmer and ever ready.

"Numeral XV, respect for our military... past and present. I don't know how this one even made it on here. I presume because you think I am disrespecting the Legions somehow. Starting with Julius Caeser, every ruler in His name has ensured that the Legions function as best as they can and we have deep respect for the service they have provided in making our empire mighty looked up to. If you don't see that, I pity you, new ager.
Numeral XVI, rejection of junk science such as evolution and global warming. Typical for a liberal to be offended or annoyed with something that doesn't conform to his limited outlook on the world. That's all there is to say about that.
Numeral XVII, low taxes, especially for families. Do you know that your taxes pay for the roads, the aqueducts, the arenas, the temples, the theatres, the military that you claim to respect, and almost everything that you benefit from in day-to-day life? You don't want to pay taxes... that's a crime, but I suppose if it means getting you and your hippy friends out of the empire, I can send you all to Gaul or to Germania, they don't pay taxes there, you should fit right in, eh?
Numeral XVIII, Confederationism, less power for the federal government and more for local and state governments. So you can make your way into one province with your fellow hippies and start running your own goverment where you pay no taxes, pray to your carpenter messiah and play with your swords and spears? NO. Simply no.
And last but not least, the final joke on this list, numeral XIX... a strong national defense. That's a federal program, you understand? One that requires federal oversight and coordination to work effectively, you understand that yes? It's paid for by taxes, you know that yes? Or would you rather hire your own personal mercenaries? Please do so, I can find better things for my Legions to give their service for than to protect the likes of you."

Another long silence.

"Well what do you have to say about this piece of writing?" asked the Emperor.

"What I've written, I've written." said the christian.

"Well, abort it."

Robert Ludlum's Rush Limbaugh Slam.

2010-03-01T15:43:00.000-08:00

Robert Ludlum, as you may know, was an author of immensely intricate spy novels and among the most successful writers in the genre. His most famous creation is probably the character Jason Bourne whom he developped over the course of 3 novels, which were all made, between 2002 and 2007, into film versions with Matt Damon playing the lead. There was also a late 1980s version of "The Bourne Identity" with Richard Chamberlain. In addition to that, Bourne has appeared in, so far, 4 other novels by author Eric von Lustbader that are an official continuation of the fictional universe with a 5th novel on the way.

Rush Limbaugh, as you may know, is a political commentator and radio show host and among the most successful in that field. He is most famous for promoting neo-conservatism, nationalism, corporatism, populism and American Imperialism. He has been letting the world know his views on air since at least the mid-1990s and has received both plenty of praise and loads of criticism. From his often aggressive rhetoric to some drug problems and love of cigars, Limbaugh has undoubtedly become one of the most influential personalities in the US.

Robert Ludlum's 1995 novel The Apocalypse Watch contains a rather interesting passage. In the Bantam paperback edition of the novel, on page 189, it begins:

"Arnold Argossy, radio and television impresario of the hysteria prone ultra-conservative wing of American political thought, squeezed his enormous frame into the inadequate chair at the studio table. He put on his earphones[...] The once staggering number of his listeners had begun to fall off, insulted, perhaps, by his singularly vicious attacks on anything and everything he considered liberal! without his offering any coherent alternative to the programs he attacked. The gradual decline in his ratings had done nothing to diminish his ego; instead, he held on to his decreasing audience by ever-increasing assaults on Libbo-Commies, Female-Fascists, Embryo-Killers, Homeless-Suckers, and assorted labels that eventually had to turn off even the vast "patient, stable majority" who began to question his diatribes."

That description, while slightly humorous, can only be a slam at the real-life person who so well fits that very description; from physical appearence to description of views, Arnold Argossy might as well be Rush Limbaugh. Next, the fat and angry commentor gives what must be his daily introduction to his show:

"Hello, America, you true, red-blooded sons and daughters of giants who carved a nation out of a land of savages and made it sweet."

A rather apt satire on nationalist thought. The "red-blooded sons and daughters" who are supposedly "true" are descendants of the settlers from the times of the Founding Fathers. This of course implies that the millions of people that were living here before aren't "true" nor are they "red-blooded," but I don't know how either of those notions even begin to make sense. The "giants" perhaps spoofs the egos and inflated aggressive pomp that most nationalists possess as a major part of their mindset. And what is perhaps most interesting here is the word "carved. It seems to be implying some sort of cutting or forced reshaping of the land to turn it into a "nation." Oh you, mean the coerced resettlement of countless Indians and the murder of multitudes more? But of course, the nationalist sees this as a righteous part of his country's history and not as the dark blotch that it really is.

The passage continues with Argossy taking callers, but it is the last of these that is the kicker to this small episode in a lengthy book. In brief, the book's plot is about a Nazi conspiracy to build a Fourth Reich and the conspriators are in key positions of power in most major countries and they are on the verge of successfully staging a key incident that will propel them into power, a sort of new Reichstag Fire. Anyway, this last caller that Arnold Argossy receives is a conspiracy member whose mission, along with others like him, is to spread chaos by launching accusations that certain influential people are Nazis. The caller is ringing into the show from Munich (which was a key city in the Nazi rise to power and whose main square was the location of the Beer Hall Putsch) and Arnold Argossy, not yet suspecting anything, greets his caller:

"...I went to your fair city about a year ago and had the best sausage and sauerkraut I ever tasted..."

It is fair to say that Argossy never went to Munich and only said so to appeal to his caller and he only does this after his producer urges Argossy to be nice to the caller since a fair chunk of their remaining listeners are from an organization that the caller is part of, an organization said to promote conservative religious values. Note that Arogssy basically uses a German stereotype, sausage and sauerkraut, to describe his memory of Munich. Was there really nothing more in the city, one that dates back centuries, that Argossy noticed? It is a relatively harmless stereotype, but it does demonstrate Argossy's ignorance and/or single-mindedness as well as making fun of his obesity.

The caller next surprises Argossy by offering him to be the Minister of Propaganda in the Fourth Reich stating that he will be "far more effective that Goebbels ever was." Argossy then roars demanding to know who the caller before the producer orders for the broadcast to be stopped.

LOL.

Now, Arnold Argossy is more of a joke about a certain unpleasant mindset than he is a ridiculing of any real person, but by including so much description about him, the parallels to Rush Limbaugh can only be intentional. Though, the losing of temper isn't really a Rush Limbaugh trademark from what I know about the man, but it certainly is one of Bill O'Reilly's who isn't too far removed from Limbaugh in terms of line of thought and since Argossy is said to be both a "radio and television impresario" he may very well be a satrical conflation of these two real right-wingers. To be fair, I highly doubt that Limbaugh or O'Reilly are really Nazis, or that Ludlum actually thought they are, or that even Arnold Argossy is one. The point is that certain very real people, like the fictional Argossy, spread aggressive, fear-stirring rhetoric that isn't too far removed from what the Nazis did in their rise to power.

Wes Craven and rape

2010-02-26T08:06:00.000-08:00

1972. Rookie filmmaker Wes Craven releases his first directorial and scripting effort, the cult horror film "The Last House on the Left." It's a sort of remake of Ingmar Bergman's "Jungfrukällan" with the same basic idea: a gang of thieves rape and kill a young girl in the countryside and then, later that day, posing as travelers, seek shelter from a storm in a house along the road. Ironically and as of yet unbeknownst to them, the people living in this house are the parents of the girl they murdered... and when they find out they unleash a violent revenge. The violence of which is mirrored in viciousness by their own crime against the young girl.

Craven's next film project released 5 years later, a long interval presumably due to the time it took to secure financing, was "The Hills Have Eyes" about a family travelling through the desert somewhere in the US southwest, but they are attacked by vicious mutants. This film is not a remake or re-imagining of Bergman, but it does contain a rape scene. It was one of the many things in this bloody movie that needed to be cut down for the film to be released. Understandably so as rape is among the most objecitonable of all violent acts. But what does Wes Craven think about that?

His first two films include rape scenes and since making them he effectively made a place for himself in the industry. Two people who helped him with his debut feature, Sean S. Cunningham and Steve Miner, went on to become successful in film as well. So Wes Craven must therefore have some sort of appreciation for the existance of rape. Would he be a successful filmmaker without it? Possibly, his most enduring cult classic film "A Nightmare on Elm Street" has no rape scene; a girl is only killed by Freddy after sex, but that's as close as sex and violence appear in the film, in consecutive scenes. No, wait!

I'm wrong! Freddy Kruger's backstory explains him to be a child killer so there is rape by inference! Wes Craven can't seem to get enough rape! Though his next films didn't include the subject, both "The Hill Have Eyes" and "Last House on the Left" were remade between 2006 and 2009 and both remakes, produced by Craven, have graphic rape scenes that had to be cut down for theatrical release... and the remake of "The Hills Have Eyes" now has its own sequel that, perhaps not surprisingly, includes a rape scene. This sequel was also written by Craven in addition to him producing it, unlike the 2006 film that he just produced. I'm guessing he didn't like the rape in the 2006 version so he wrote his own for the sequel. If you're gunna write rape, write rape right. Now say that 10 times fast, your tongue will feel raped afterwards.

2010. The upcoming serial killer thriller "My Soul to Take" is Craven's newest project, and the first since 2005's "Red Eye" which was PG-13, but this new film has an R rating for "strong bloody violence, and pervasive language including sexual references" according to the MPAA. Bloody violence? Sexual references? A film about a serial killer? We just might have some more rape here folks. But, until the film is released we can only infer that and I am afraid to ask Craven about it, since I might get raped.

The World's Worst Prison

2010-02-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

You know what one of the best computer games of all time is? Wolfenstein 3D. A.k.a. the only Wolfenstein game with "3D" in the title and also the only one that isn't 3-D. But in addition to great sequels, Wolfenstein 3D redefined gaming and started a whole new genre that remains extremely popular and is now immensely sophisticated. But in every savvy gamer's mind, pretty much, the classic shooter Wolf3D has a special place. But have you ever looked at Wolfenstein 3D, not as a game, but as an actual prison? It's probably the worst, most illogically designed, moronic prison ever made.

First off, the story of the game is that you have to break out of this dungeon after you were captured and bring back critical intelligence to the Allies. Now why are you alone? If you were on such a tough and important mission, wouldn't the Allies send in a few soldiers? Then if you were captured, you can all break out and help each other escape, but no... your friends got the better end of the stick, the Nazis probably sent them to Castle Colditz, because they don't hate them as much as they HATE YOU. So the they tossed you to the bottom level of the world's worst prison: Castle Wolfenstein.

Luckily the Nazis guarding this dump are probably just as dumb as the Allies that sent you on your initial mission. When a soldier came to visit you in your cell - why? Who knows - anyway, you manage to kill him and grab his gun. At this point you also have a knife, which you probably used to take out the guard, but why didn't they take it from you when they threw you down here? I guess the world' worst prison is starting to live up to its name already.

So you slip out of your cell and think to yourself, shit... I am not exactly free, I have long, winding hallways patrolled by the SS to get through before I am out of here. Castle Wolfenstein is a bad prison, but it still qualifies as a prison. You'll soon see that Castle Wolfenstein has two types of doors, locked and unlocked, makes sense for a prison, but your cell door was one of the unlocked ones. So it is a prison, just a bad one. A Really Bad One. Or maybe it's just surreal...

The next door leads to your first hallway, which is blue like your cell for some reason, and to another guard... *bang!* You drop him and magically he drops his ammo for you to pick up. Why didn't this guy drop his gun and just his ammo? I wanted to do the cool John Woo two handgun thing as I sweep a room full of badguys! Oh well... but I tell you, you may only have one gun, but it has the infamous John Woo clip capacity, though we haven't picked up enough ammo yet to see that quite clearly. You go through the next door and *whoa!* the room is a different color!

"HALT!"

Shit, another guard! *bang! bang!*

"AYEEE!"

Haha, he screamed funny when I shot him.

Ok, where were we...? Oh yeah, in a room with a new color scheme... it's now grey... and there are pictures on the wall. I see a... Nazi flag, a gold eagle holding a swastika, and... a picture of Hitler... actually there are two of each in this room, so, if I have this correct: I am standing in the what is supposed to be the bowels of the most miserable shithole death-trap of a Nazi prison and there are TWO PICTURES OF HITLER HERE. Considering he is their leader, wouldn't the Nazis put picture of him in... say, more important places? Cleaner places? Places that convey a sense of respect to the Fuhrer that inspired them to build the Great Reich? Whatever, if Hitler is in a gutter like this somewhere, I'm happy. Moving on through the next door... to a room with more guards... *bang bang bang!!!* and wooden walls with some new wall art. Let's see, there's the Iron Cross, a pale white or greyish eagle with a swastika and... TWO MORE PICTURES OF HITLER. Ok, what the hell, what's all this lame art work doing on prison walls? Who the fuck are these Nazis anyway? Art school rejects?

After going through the next door and gunning down more guards and looking at more unispired posters, I think to myself... my breakout isn't exactly a subtle. I just shot five or so soldiers... someone must have heard me... which means someone could very well have sounded an alarm and the next door could have a serious ambush waiting for me. For a few seconds I weigh my options, should I rot in these nether halls or go out in a blaze of guns and glory... the second option. Yes, definitely the second option. I burst through the door and...

...nothing. I am now in a hallway with more grey walls, a shitty picture of Der Fuhrer and no guards. Now the trip through these rooms and halls is literally quite that... a trip. There is no sense to how these rooms are arranged, there are no windows... ok so it's a dungeon, but what was the point of that little wooden room? It looked sort of nice actually... like there is a barracks or an office there, which would have the key out of here and thus be close to the door, but no... we are back to grey halls. It must be the air... or rather the lack of fresh air... that makes this place what it is. I mean, imagine if you're a guard assigned to patrol this area... cabin fever would set in quite quick and that's what all the soldiers in Castle Wolfenstein have. They don't go around chopping each other up with axes or blasting each others' brains out, they just wait for you, the one prisoner in the whole joint, to appear so they can go apeshit on you. That's really what it looks like, they just yell "HALT!" and start to run towards you shooting occasionally. While they wait for this exciting event, which is usually the last one of their pixelated lives, they must paint those awful pictures of the man who put them there and pictures that infamous symbol. Like I said, this is the world's worst prison.

Funny thing is if there is a group they often appear to shoot some of their faster running friends in the back, but somehow the bullets always reach you and your little face gets bloodier and bloodier. Isn't that weird? There could be four soldiers in front of you unloading from submachine guns and all they manage to hit is your face? When you lose and get killed they must say "BOOM HEADSHOT!" but you don't get to hear that part since you're dead then and have to restart. Which brings us to the point that rotting in prison is not an option. You MUST try and escape... and you are even granted three tries to do it in... as if you used wishes from a genie to help you escape, but then why didn't you wish for to appear next to the front door with key in hand?! Or at least by the elevator to the top? That would spare you all the joy of shitty Hitler portraits and immune-to-friendly fire, cabin fever guards.

Ok, ok... we are nearing the end now... the prison level is quite small and after a few turns and some shooting you are finally by the elevator. There it is... the way up and out of here. You open it and... it seems really small, as in VERY SMALL. Only one person can fit in it, which is very weird for a prison that has nine levels, ten if you count the secret one, and at least three hundred guards. I mean, what if the Kommandant calls drill on the top level or on the castle parade ground, how are all these soldiers to get up in a reasonable amount of time? Also there are no stairs... which means the castle should he called Castle Fire Hazard. Anyway... who cares? All this won't matter soon, the elevator is right there... get in, hit the button for the top floor and boom, you're out.

Hmm... after going into the elevator, there is only one switch, either up or down... and it is in the down position... ok makes sense, since you are currently on the lowest level here. You hit the switch and the elevator shoots up and also tells you how many secrets you found, how much treasure you collected and how many guards you killed... nice to know just how much ass you're kicking during your prison escape. Then the doors open and freedo... now wait, I am in a blue hallway now... What? Huh? Oh.... SHIT! These elevators only go up one story at a time! And the next elevator is always on the other side of the level! WHAT THE FUCK?! This is BULLSHIT! Where is the famous "German Engineering?!" They can build some of the world's best cars and roads, but somehow manage to make the world's worst fucking elevators! Seriously, is this just meant to be? The world's worst elevator in the world's worst prison...? Actually the nine, or ten if you count the secret, worst fucking elevators in the world are here. Along with shitty pictures of Hitler all over. This entire place is one spot that you don't want to wind up in. Imagine if the way up the Empire State Building had to be done one floor at a time with an elevator that can only fit one person. Ok so the Empire State Building has over one hundred floors, but even going up a nine floor building that way would suck. You know how I know? 'Cause I had to fucking do it when I escaped Castle Wolfenstein!

Brit Hume: The faithful businessman

2010-01-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

By now many people are aware of Tiger Woods's recent incident that caused, as many celebrity stories do, a rather pointless media circus. However, the most interesting thing, I think, to come out of this was a comment by Brit Hume on Fox News Sunday on 1/3/10. It was:

"Tiger Woods will recover as a golfer. Whether he can recover as a person I think is a very open question, and it's a tragic situation for him. I think he's lost his family, it's not clear to me if he'll be able to have a relationship with his children, but the Tiger Woods that emerges once the news value dies out of this scandal -- the extent to which he can recover -- seems to me to depend on his faith. He's said to be a Buddhist; I don't think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, 'Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.'"

At face value it may seem like a bit of advice, but there is a rather shameless, and not too subtle, advertisement there. Brit Hume - who is a right-wing commentator, former news anchor on Fox's "Special Report," and a frequent guest on various Fox's Shows - chose a rather interesting word when suggesting that Woods convert to Christianity. Hume stated that Buddhism doesn't "offer" the kind of good things that Christianity supposedly does. So Brit Hume chose his faith based on the after-life deal that is supposed to come with it? What if Hume finds out that another religious faith "offers" a better kind of forgiveness? Will he convert and then pitch his idea on TV again?

Afterall, what is a businessman to do when he finds out that another product is a better deal?

The statement was actually quite amoral and makes Hume look like he isn't really interested in seeing Tiger Woods overcome a big bump in his life, it makes him look like just jumped at an oppurtunity to advertise his viewpoint at the expense of Woods's. Another things is that I find it funny, in a way, that Hume said the story has "news value" - it's all about value! If it doesn't bring ratings, don't cover the story, since only the bottom line matters.

Then the neo-con right-wing, which is Hume's true "faith" I believe, says that it is for individual liberty and is anti-collectivist. Sure, you can have all the individual liberty that you want, as long as you are an all around conservative, traditional christian that subscribes to my idea of collectivism, tacitly states Brit Hume.

To be fair, Hume didn't say "Woods must convert or he will never recover," he offered a suggestion, which undoubtedly must be his honest opinion on the matter, so Hume isn't a liar, but the arrogance of his response is something that cannot be denied. It was a "holier than thou" presentation that only bolsters the arbitrary barriers that divide people from logically and rationally approaching problems of all types. As a christian, Hume should know that pride is top deadly sin.

Bankers: The New High Priests

2010-01-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

Remember the good old days in Ancient Egypt where thousands of slaves lugged heavy stones to build gigantic pyramids so that one guy who called himself "pharoah" could feel better about himself? Well, you probably don't remember, but you must have read about it in a history book at some point. It's actually pretty amazing that all those people willingly succumbed to carrying out such an arduous task that had little to no practical value back then, and only now in the age of global travel can it serve as a tourist spot as well as one of our best glimpses at the Ancient World.

One man, whether pharoah or not, could not have convinced all those people to do work all by himself. No, he had help in the form of some great propaganda, the High Priest who also enjoyed the unfathomable luxury as the man in the throne. The difference with them is that they knew how to play the game about keeping their position. And they played it very well and multitudes of people lay down their lives in the name of pleasing Ra and their leader. Ancient Egyptian elites would surround themselves with gold since they believed it to be divine and the more one has the closer one is to godhood. Given the structure of society back then it is not outrageous to think that after decades of such a system being in place the men at the top would actually believe in the notions of their own inherent superiority. They collected gold for the sake of having it and that's it.

Now leap ahead about many millenia into present day. Over the many centuries, the typical everyday person has grown much more literate and capable, in the western world the clear line between elite and slave is blur and porous. Ambitions can be fulfilled and more importantly people have the knowledge to actually have ambitions. So the base of society's pyramid has undergone much transformation but what about the top? Well, it seems not as much has changed up there, granted there aren't as many people up there, but impractical the trend of gold hogging still abounds. Over the past year we saw the top bankers of the World get bailouts for their institutions that are suposedly "too big to fail." Why did they need all this money? Since by making stupid bets their machine was running on empty. And where did this money go? In large, to pay for the executive bonuses.

Heads the banksters win, tails the taxpayer loses.

Wait a second, you're telling me that despite making catastrophically inane bets and quite predictably losing on them, these bankers still feel they deserve a reward in the shape of a fat bonus? Ok, so they are arrogant enough to feel that they deserve it like the pharoah thought that he was entitled to a new pyramid... but people actually went along with it and gave him the bonus!? Now, you have to be at least partially fucking kidding me. I understand saving the institution of banking, we need it, but saving the schmucks that ran the economy into the grandest epic fail since the 1930s? Fuck 'em, let 'em rot. Seeing all the money they have, they won't rot, they'll live comfortably with their Meybach limos until the end of their days, but that's not enough... they want more and MORE. They want to hog all the gold. And push the typical person around to supporting the structure that they designed to please their own ego.

Now, Lenin effectively called out to everyone and said "get your pitchforks and pickaxes, we're gunna teach these swine a lesson!" But I think we are past that... such volatility can only breed more and anyway, it's so arduous to have to kill and ransack. I propose an easier solution: FIRE THEM! Get fresh talent to manage our banks. At least do that. But the system itself could use much reform. It is too complex and confusing and filled with shady spots that allow for hogs to get away with massive rip offs.

Here are two links on this issue:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHODjoSb2ao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDg6S8lf4lc

Then check out more if you haven't all ready.

1995 - A Bad Year for Action Movies

2009-10-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

1995. It was summer and I had just finished 5th grade in the little town of Acton, Massachusetts. At the time I didn't know it, but one movie that came out somewhere around that time would change the art of the action film. The movie was "Bad Boys." A buddy cop flick that made Will Smith a star and launched Michael Bay onto the film scene with his first studio film that proved to be a success at the box office. Since that is all that matters in Hollywood. Modestly budgeted for an action movie at under $25 million, "Bad Boys" raked in over $60 million in the US during its movie theatre run. Not a hugely impressive sum, but it was a hefty profit considering the cost. The movie itself is a feel good, cheesy, one-liner and profanity laden cop movie with rather mediocre action scenes... nothing we haven't seen before. Yet it was a surprise hit. A complete and utterly shameless cliched entry into a popular genre proved to be a great money maker... needless to say it was down hill from there for a good long while.

Another movie also came out in the 1995, the anti-thesis to "Bad Boys." It was the pirate adventure film "Cutthroat Island" directed by Renny Harlin, who had previously shot to superstar director status with "Die Hard 2" and "Cliffhanger." The consecutive box office success inflated Harlin's wallet and clout, but also, most definitely, his ego. The latter is much more subtle or totally invisible to the typical film goer. On the surface, "Cutthroat Island" is a rousing large scale adventure much like "Indiana Jones." Huge sets, loads of stunt men, and outrageous action scenes accompanied by an epic score by John Debney. "Cutthroat Island" was budgeted at a gigantic for the time $100,000,000 and had a female lead as the main action star... the second of which is unusual even to this day. While it is not the smartest movie, "Cutthroat Island" is a masterpiece of the action sequence, mainly in that the action is staged and choreographed and not stitched together with loads of edit to somehow convince the audience that the blur they are looking at is motion and action. Michael Bay's "Bad Boys" wasn't quite as awful in editing as some of his later movies, but the emergence of the unstable and frenetically psychotic editing style is readily apparent. Bay thrills with shakey camera moves, in your face close ups and doesn't bother too much with plot.

Harlin, on the other hand, created an amazing spectacle and had much more daring and sophisticated plot elements for just a straightforward action movie; there are shifting allegiences, betrayal, and much more realistically imperfect characters. The problem with "Cutthroat Island" was that it may have been a throwback to classic great adventure films at the wrong time and the production was laden with trouble. Harlin would fire crew members often, the script went through many changes (and was supposed to have a traditional male lead) as well as a ballooning budget that went up to 100 million mark and the resulting box office failure... an intake of a meager $10 million at the box office bankrupted the film's production company. Due to his clout from his two previous successes, Renny Harlin probably got away with more than he would have otherwise in this production. With so much money at stake, the producers must have been very worried with his direction and choice of locations (Thailand and Malta, which were supposed to double for the conveniently closer Carribbean, AND Thailand and Malta are on opposite ends of the planet) yet Harlin must have been very persuasive for a load of trust was put into his seemingly impractical judgement. With the box office failure of the movie, though certain influential critics liked it, all that came crashing down and ended up the biggest box office flop of its time. Pirate movies crashed and burned before with Roman Polanski's hugely expensive film "Pirates" in the early 80s and wouldn't revive again with... "Pirates of the Carribbean" which was perhaps ironically produced by the producer of "Bad Boys," Jerry Bruckheimer. "PotC" was a fun but cheesy movie with a fantasy element meant for kids... "Cutthroat Island" had no fantasy, just bad ass action scenes that while not overly violent (the film was rated PG-13) show that pirates don't mess around with too much fun and games. Like Indiana Jones, fun but bad ass.

1996. Bay and Harlin square off at the box office again. Bay directed his next successful blockbuster load of enjoyable unoriginality (albeit noticably improved in form from "Bad Boys") and Harlin directed his next unusually sophisticated, and even daring, action film with a female lead (again his wife at the time Geena Davis), which after a slightly troubled production flopped at the box office.

Michael Bay's "The Rock" on the surface is a good, surprisingly VERY GOOD, for an action movie. The acting is solid, the characters developped, the plot much more intense, and the action very entertaining. In fact, "The Rock" was one of the few exceptions of my parents' "no R movies rule" and it promptly became my favorite movie. But it was because I was naive. I was a kid. I loved army games, g.i. joe toys, and the video game game Duke Nukem 3D... no shame in it, most boys like that stuff. But it is a phase we grow out of as a maturity takes hold. I still like action video games as a throwback to being a kid, but I don't live my life around them as I used to. "The Rock" is a example of that sentiment: it is a simplistically pleasing movie that while has some dark plot elements that reflect real life terror and violence it succumbs to cheese and easy please by the end. For all the sound and fury in the film, no innocent people get killed and the bad guys all conveniently die by the end thus once credits roll, that's that. Bay's action style was still visually manageable here and it is really the higher budget that allows for more craziness - "The Rock" was budgeted at $75 million. "Bad Boys" would probably have been about the same if the budget permitted. The plot has some nicer twists and drama - characters turn on each other and the head villains motives are not all what they seem initially.

Renny Harlin's "The Long Kiss Goodnight" was more than just an action movie, it was a thriller with a hard, grim edge and dark plot revelations that have yet to be repeated in a mainstream studio film. This film is all about plot with action scenes actually woven into it and each one means something, each such drastic event leaves the story with consequences. This is something Michael Bay has yet to do... in "The Rock" if the big San Francisco car chase is edited out, nothing would change, the plot would be identical, not so with the action in "The Long Kiss Goodnight." A shootout at a train station displays and leads to irreversible revelations that would not have happened otherwise. Each act of violence transforms the plot and characters. To be fair, not all of the action in "The Rock" is senseless sensationalism, but it is a shame that a major action sequence in a film leads nowhere of significance. The subplot of John Mason's daughter is never mentioned again after it's sudden introduction at around the 35 min mark.

The malicious intent of the villains in Harlin's movie is also darker, they are not commiting some fancy robbery or even trying to commit extortion with thousands of lives at stake if they don't have their way... it is precisely their intention to kill thousands of innocents and thus effectively and covertly extort a hefty sum of money. It's a doubly whammy of nastiness that really makes them "bad guys" and not stock cut-outs. Also, that previously mentioned shoototut at the train station with at least 5 automatic weapons going off spraying bullets everywhere... well it leaves about 20 innocent people dead. Grim? Yes, very. In "The Rock" the 81 civilian hostages not only all safely survive, but are not even shown in terror as a massive bomb rips apart half the prison where they are being held. They are just shown being taken hostage and than that's that, the movie doesn't really return to them ever again, but just mentions they are all safe and that everyone is happy. Easy please topped with cheese.

Not that Harlin's more innovative and varied style mattered to the studio executives, it didn't take in big money, and he wouldn't be hired to direct a big movie until "Deep Blue Sea" which came out in 1999. That film was not so smart on plot, but it included more of his signature action scenes that make grace out of chaotic motion - it was a straightforward monster movie (sharks hunt people in and around a slowly sinking research facilty out at sea) but done terrifically. 1998, just a year prior, saw Michael Bay's next effort, the overblown, insanely edited, out of this world cheesefest trashterpiece "Armageddon" about a meteor on a collision course with Earth. Inexplicably both "The Rock" and "Armageddon" are in the Criterion Collection of films and film scholar Jeanine Basinger, who taught Michael Bay at Wesleyan University, states that the film is "a work of art by a cutting-edge artist who is a master of movement, light, color, and shape—and also of chaos, razzle-dazzle, and explosion" in her essay as to why "Armageddon" is in a collection with what are supposed to be milestones in the art of cinema. Sure the movie is about ordinary working guys rising up to face an epic challenge, but to not see "Armageddon" as ridiculous and poor is just being in denial, naive, or too lazy to see other finer examples of the same thing. "Deep Impact," the other meteor movie from 1998 is an example... it is less based on frenetic spectacle and more on drama. Sure it may be less exciting, but it's a much better movie about ordinary people rising up to meet the challange. Character's are more 3D and film was obviously made not to just give people a rush of adrenaline but to feel the situtation. But an even better example of this formula is Danny Boyle's "Sunshine." Also about an attempt to prevent armageddon, but it has a solid script, top notch acting, a honest portrayal of the science element (though inevitably not fully accurate) and also superb special effects.

Naivete and over simplicity lead to ignorance and ignorance is bliss, as they say, and bliss sells. Cotton candy sells, as well. Michael Bay makes king size burgers followed by extra large fudge sundaes and cotton candy at his amusement park. Renny Harlin made filet mignon followed by chocolate truffles.

The Creed of the American Patriot

2009-04-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

I AM
God-fearing,
Democracy loving,
Pro-Life,
Pro-Gun,
Pro-Pre-Emptive War,

Anti-communist, Anti-gay, and Anti-socialist heresy.

I AM
fully driven to support the Grand American Way of Freedom
with Liberty and Justice for All
in this One Great Nation
under the Lord our God in Heaven.

I AM
A True and Dedicated American Patriot
who will carry out the Will of the One True All Mighty Lord
as it was dictated to US in the Bible and the Constituiton.
I will shun liberal luciferian leftism
like The Origin of the Species and other dark texts
that were put here on Earth by Satan
to make us stray away from the the Way of the Lord.

With this Sacred Creed, I pledge Alliegence to the United States of America.

The Ultimate Socialist

2009-02-12T14:01:00.000-08:00

I find it very strange that many Americans dislike socialism. Many of them don't just dislike it, they genuinely despise it as if it were some plague. The French are often called socialists and one stab against John Kerry, who ran for Presidential Office in 2004, Fox News had to offer is that "he looks French" and they even played accordion music during this segment. I am sure you can find it online somewhere, but it is just as ridiculous now as it was then.

He's too French which means he's too liberal and that means he's un-American and that means we can't elect him. Yeah, ok.

Undoubtedly this hate of socialism is leftover sentiment from the Cold War where the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was the United States' greatest enemy and all things socialist, as a result, are bad and un-American. Now, I know socialism isn't a perfect form of government, and as we have seen with the USSR it can fall apart and leave all sorts of trash and even when it the USSR was at the height of its power, a leader like Stalin is not someone I'd want to run my country. But, the fact is, the USSR fell apart due to corruption and desire for excessive power. The government served itself and not its people. More on this in a second.

Another reason that socialism is despised is that many socialist states have state atheism which is an idea from Marx's "Communist Manifesto" that "religion is the opium of the masses." This brings us to a great irony: the United States is a secular nation on paper - separation of church and state, but a very religious nation in practice. The President is sworn into office with his hand on a Bible and we have yet to have one openly atheist president, Al Smith largely lost his bid for Executive office because he was a Catholic (in the 1920s, I believe) and JFK actually had to formally state in front of Protestant pastors that he won't be a slave to the Pope. It seems religion plays a large role in the US government. Recently Barack Obama had to clear up whether he is a Christian or a Muslim when, in theory, it shouldn't matter. But it does.

This religious trend is also largely what makes many Americans hate socialism... it is a "godless" form of government. True that it is susceptible to corruption, since with a chairman like Stalin there would be no checks and balances as with the United States' system, but can socialism work? Can it be incorruptible?

Yes it can. We just need "The Ultimate Socialist." Someone honest, caring, persuasive, who will never be corrupted and will care for all of his citizens. Who could that be? Well you've probably read about him... it's Jesus Christ. He cared for the sick, helped the poor, and he sure as heck wasn't greedy nor was he of ever would be corrupted by greed or power. In short, Jesus was the Ultimate Socialist... the ideal person to run a socialist state like the USSR. Or maybe the ideal person to run any country because he'd do what government is supposed to do - manage the country and help its citizens and create and uphold law. Yet, the many Christians in this country would scorn the fact that Jesus was a socialist. In fact, I'd like to see what Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh have to say about having a socialist Jew running the United States.

Also, Christopher Hitchens might offer some interesting things to say on that subject. Out of the four people just mentioned I'd only really want to talk to him about the subject since the 3 right wingers would just yell at me.

"Irony works hard to ensure its continued existence in this world."
~ Me

The Finnish-Polish Trade Agreement

2009-01-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

Due to the fact that Finland and Poland (among others) are now in the European Union, this allows for great facilitations in trade and commerace. Countries can exchange goods, ideas and even consonants and vowels.

Due to Finland's incredibly vast supply of natural Nordic vowels and Poland's lush reserves of consonants, a trade deal, previously impossible can now be reached: the FPTA (Finnish-Polish Trade Agreement).

Let's examine some details and facts here.

Typical Finnish word:

"Helsiaaalineeenaataolooeeeiiinen" meaning "hi"

Typical Polish word:

"Szczebrzerzynszczowszczrzdzzzzski" meaning "brevity"

The aim of the FPTA bill is to make both languages understandable to those who haven't had 11 shots of salmiakki or żubrówka. With prices at around 5 to 8 Euro per bottle, the EU budget simply isn't able cover the purchase of the required amounts of the mentioned liquors. Mikka Humalatilainen, a Finnish representative in the EU, who wants to reform the budget the cover the costs of salmiakki and żubrówka.

"The issue of proper translation is very important. The current bureaucratic process costs the EU upto 800 million Euro a year and leaves a large mess of papers and general waste," says Mr. Humalatila.

Critics of the new plan say it all started as a joke after the annual meeting in Brussells and was never meant to be taken seriously, and that drinking vodka and salty licorice shouldn't be done at work.

"But it makes politics fun!" says Mr. Humalatilainen.

"Would you shut up! You're not supposed to drink at work!"

"Who are you?" says Mr. Humalatilainen.

"Someone sane, unlike you."

"Wait, I thought I was the only being quoted in this article," states Mr. Humalatilainen. "How did you get in here?!?"

"The writer put me in, duh."

"What's your name?" asks Mr Humalatilainen.

"I don't know, the writer didn't give me one."

"Hahahaha!!!!" Laughs Mr Humalatilainen. "What a loser!"

"I know right."

The debate about the controversial new policy versus the FPTA is expected to go on well into the summer, but the Commission has stated that it intends to come up with a solution by the end of the year.

After it is implemented, both langauges should be on their way to becoming pronouncable to the rest of the world.

Geese - Putting the "error" in "terrorism" since 2009.

2009-01-24T15:47:00.000-08:00

Recently a gaggle of terrorist geese attacked an airliner that was bound out of New York. It was a quite an awesome and terrifying sight to behold as the cooridnated birds praised the Almighty God of Goosedom with the sacrifice of their lives that was to strike a blow against their metal beast oppressors. The metal beasts moved in unwelcome to their fields, set up huge airports and started to fly around and act as if they own the place. Bad move, because geese aren't just gunna keep taking it anymore. Geese are strong and will fight until the metal beasts just let them live their lives as they see fit.

Sure, there can be some sort of goose-metal beast federation, but the main point is, let every group manage themselves. Until that happens, these sort of attacks are inevitable as well as inexorable.

However, the geese seem to be fighting a losing battle here, as the large metal beast was relatively intact upon crashing while many many geese were killed in the event. That is because the geese made a fatal error in their strike against the metal beast... they attacked only its wings and then it could simply see where to glide down to safetly - the river where all those big metal fish swim. The geesian freedom fighters SHOULD have attacked the metal beasts eyes in addition to its wings, that way it would not see where it can safely glide down. It would have blindly attempted to land in an effort that would have been only futile and would have surely resulted in its destruction. Those artificial stone mountains would have also suffered a blow as the metal beast haplessly fell blind from the sky. It would have been a glorious day for the Geesian Liberation Front.

But that did not occur. There was just a failure that cost the GLF dearly. A failure that comes at an even higher price since the metal beast will undoubtedly now be prepared for such actions in the future. Perhaps this is the first step in seeing the pointlessness of violence and preventing it from cycling by starting some negotiations?

Perhaps.

The Dawn of this Blog

2009-01-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

Hello All,
Witam Was,
Bonjour a Tous,
Gutentag Herren und Damen,

This is a(n) (in)formal introduction to this blog. Many factors have enticed me to start one and I realized I have many things I like to ramble about. So in effort to save my breath for things more constructive than rambling I can let the keyboard do a good deal of it.

Here you will see on a quite (ir)regular basis all sorts of odd things. Thoughts. Insults. Rambles (had to get that in somewhere). Political statements. Jokes. Satire. Satircal Jokes. And possibly other things.

Until Later,
Do Zobaczenia,
A Bientot,
Auf Wiedersehen,
-- M.O.